Building Effective Communication with Your Partner

Some people seem to be naturally good communicators but effective communication can be a learned skill. Many of our day-to-day activities are working AGAINST building better communication skills. Texting and emails miss the natural timing of real, face-to-face conversations and social messaging like Facebook time is a poor substitute for actual face-time with friends and families. In addition, in most couples, both partners are working full-time jobs and can be burnt out by the time they get home.
 Here are some tips on improving your communication:

1) Listen! It’s easy to tune out when you have other things on your mind. Bring your full attention to the person who’s speaking. Give the speaker partner eye contact. Don’t interrupt. In most couples, there is a dominant speaker and a more quiet partner. Encourage a silent or reticent partner with head nods and short phases such as “mmnn,” “un huh,” and “tell me more.” Be sure you are allowing your partner to share with open-ended questions and asking about their opinions, preference and inquiring about their day. Remember, too, that some people need time to “decompress” and switch gears after the stressors of work. Know your partner and respect their needs.

2) Avoid generalizations like “You always…,” You never…,” etc., especially when in heated conversations. If you’re in the habit of making these sweeping assertions, try substituting phrases like “It feels like you are frequently…,” or “I’ve seen a trend that…”.

3) Check out the body language of your partner. Are they crossing their arms? Nodding in agreement, or looking above your head at something else instead? Are their brows knitted close together? This can mean upset, concern, or concentration. Don’t make assumptions, but instead ask your partner what they’re feeling f their reactions seem ambiguous.

4) Avoid defensiveness. Instead of making excuses or disowning your behavior, acknowledge when your actions may have hurt your partner, and explain your intent. Don’t be afraid to apologize. Contrary to popular sentiment, it enlarges the person who offers a sincere “I’m truly sorry if I have hurt you,” rather than making you weak.

5) Strengthen your relationship by frequently expressing appreciation for kindnesses or even everyday acts of contributing to the household functioning. Think of your relationship like a bank account, where every positive interaction is an investment in your happy future together.